


My Pirate King

by StubbornSkylar



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: 5+1 Things, First Kiss, Fluff, Frustration, Hongjoong wants that too, Implied/Referenced Dubious Consent, M/M, Mutual Pining, Other Ships Not Mentioned in Tags, Park Seonghwa is Whipped, Romance, Seonghwa really wants to kiss Hongjoong, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, but they only talk about it, honestly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-16
Updated: 2020-03-16
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:01:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23173594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StubbornSkylar/pseuds/StubbornSkylar
Summary: Seonghwa really, really wants to kiss Hongjoong. But the universe just has to put him to the test. This is how Seonghwa finds himself in months-long frustration and pining over his leader.Or: the five times Seonghwa almost kisses Hongjoong + the one he finally does.
Relationships: Choi San/Jung Wooyoung/Kang Yeosang, Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa
Comments: 5
Kudos: 141





	My Pirate King

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone, this is my first work since joining the k-pop fandom and also my longest work so far. I tried to get rid of all language mistakes, but I'm not a native speaker and Grammarly can only do so much, so if you find a mistake, feel free to tell me, I'm always happy to learn!  
> In this work are mentions of non-consensual kissing, I'm very sorry for putting Jongho through this, but he's fine, I promise.  
> I hope you´ll enjoy this little thing, it cost me more nerves than I´d like to admit...

If he was 100% honest with himself, he had known for so much longer than he'd like to admit. Maybe it was the first thing he had noticed about his friend, maybe it was the second, but he just knew that Hongjoong´s lips looked really, really kissable. For the first few months of knowing each other, it hadn't bothered him too much, too much had been going on with all the training and moving in and settling in together as a band, but now, a little over a year after their debut, things had changed…  
He couldn't even say when it changed, maybe it had been when they celebrated their anniversary together and Joong had smiled and laughed as if he was the sun itself, maybe it had been when they were sitting at breakfast together the day after and his Leader´s eyes had still sparkled like stars, maybe it had been that one night neither of them had been able to fall asleep so they ended up on the balcony together and even though the cold night, being with Hongjoong had felt like Summer.  
In the end, it probably doesn't matter when it changed. It has changed at some point and now it's all different. The worst part of it is probably that even to he wants to act on it, he can't find the right moment to do so. It frustrating, like, really frustrating to know the man you love is right there you just can't get to him. Whenever he thinks this is it, this is the moment, tell him now! someone or something always seems to mess it up.  
But hey, he is Park fucking Seonghwa, he doesn't give up just like that, so he makes a plan.

At first, everything seems to go to plan. Their concert in god knows which city (he hasn't paid enough attention to remember, his head much rather occupied with figuring out the perfect approach of this moment) goes super well, the fans are amazing and Joong is smiling so broad when they leave the stage and then even broader when Seonghwa tugs a flower he had picked up on stage behind his leader's ear. Perfect.  
They all end up ordering late-night dinner to the room Yeosang shares with Wooyoung (its the largest and has a somewhat big table, considering its just a two-bed room). Its well past midnight, Jongho and San had already gone to their room, Wooyoung is close to falling asleep on Yeosang´s bed, his head in the older´s lap, who is having a conversation about their newest song ideas with Mingi and Yunho.  
Hongjoong is sitting on the windowsill, dreamy eyes fixed on the night sky. He is beautiful like this, so peaceful. Seonghwa would love to know what was going on in his leaders head, but in no world or universe could he disturb him now. So he just watches him, watches how his eyes glide over the sky with minuscule movements, how his jaw clenches and unclenches with his thoughts, how his chest rises and falls with his breathing.  
Its moments like this that make him realize all over how in love he is with this ridiculously perfect boy.  
He lets out a sigh, causing Yeosang to look at him.  
"Are you OK, Hyung?" he asks, voice soft and low as if he was trying not to startle him.  
Seonghwa nods, ripping his gaze away from Hongjoong. He looks over to where his younger bandmates are sitting, all of them looking at him (except Wooyoung, who is fast asleep already). He shakes his head,  
"Was just lost in thought" he explains, which seems to satisfy his friends who smile at him and then return to their conversation.  
He turns to face Hongjoong again. He is no longer looking at the sky. Instead, he is now looking at Seonghwa with the same look in his eyes he gets whenever one of the members forgets to eat or when he sees one of them cry. Its this motherly concerned look that says "I'm gonna find out what is bothering you and then hug you until you feel better and don't even try telling me you're fine because I can see that you're not" and it almost forces all air out of his lungs, makes him faint right here and now. And then Hongjoong gets off the windowsill and walks towards the others.  
"I think I'm going to sleep. Long day… Do you wanna join me Seonghwa?" he turns to him and looks at him with an expression that states very clearly that this is an order, not a question. Not that Seonghwa could have refused him anyway, he had been hoping they would be able to disappear to the quiet of their room.  
So he gets up, wishes the others good night, advises them to soon go to sleep as well, and follows Hongjoong to their room.  
"What's wrong?" Hongjoong asks as soon as he door falls closed behind them.  
Seonghwa looks at him.  
"It's not that something is wrong…" He starts he doesn't quite know what to say without blowing his plan, so he decides to be vague.  
"It's just- I can't stop thinking of where we started. We've come so far. It feels unreal sometimes. Like its all a dream and I'm gonna wake up every second and have to go back to a normal life without all this" without you he thinks.  
Hongjoong nods  
"Been thinking that too" he admits quietly  
They stay silent for a few seconds until Hongjoong starts changing into his pyjamas.  
Seonghwa does the same, trying not to stare at Hongjoong too much. They go to the bathroom together to brush teeth, this has become somewhat of a routine for them whenever they get to share a room. Today, however, its more quiet than usual.  
"What were you thinking about? When you were watching the stars?" Seonghwa breaks the silence.  
Hongjoong takes some time to consider before replying slowly.  
"I've been thinking that there has to be more than us out there. That what we are right now can't be the end of us, that there must be much more to come. That maybe I want something more to come"  
The words hang heavy in the air between them and Seonghwa can't help but wonder what exactly his leader is talking about, but he doesn't ask. It feels a little too intrusive, so instead, he hums in agreement before finishing up, waiting for his leader to do the same.  
A few minutes later, they lie in the twin bed together, Seonghwa facing the ceiling, Hongjoong curled up in a ball, facing away from the older. The silence is tense and uncomfortable, yet Seonghwa doesn't quite know how to break it. He sighs.  
"Joong?" he asks softly, simply lacking anything better to say.  
"Hm?" its muffled, like speaking into a pillow.  
"Are you OK?" he asks because he honestly needs to know.  
Hongjoong huffs.  
"I don't know"  
A small break, then  
"Can- I mean- could you- could you hold me? I feel like I'm going to fade away and I- I don't know-"  
And Seonghwa has to laugh a little because he feels the same, so he turns to his side, facing the younger.  
"Come here," he says and immediately the leader turns around and shuffles into Seonghwa´s arms. The older pulls him closer and lets Hongjoong hide his face in his chest. He feels so fragile, he notices, like he would fall apart if Seonghwa was to let him go, so he tightens his hold and buries his nose in the boy's hair.  
They stay silent like this for a few moments, just listening to each other breathe, before Hongjoong speaks up, not more than a whisper, but its there.  
"Sometimes I just feel so small. I'm just one tiny human on one tiny planet in one tiny galaxy in this huge universe… It's scary. I can't help but think I'm here for a reason, that fate has placed me here, at this time for a reason. I'm so scared that I can´t reach what fate had planned for me…"  
Seonghwa just lets him talk about his worries, listens to them and hold Hongjoong, soothing his hands over the younger boys spine until he feels the pain and doubts slowly leaving the leaders body. He calms down in the older´s embrace and falls silent and Seonghwa feels like he has to do it now, he has to act on his plan before it slips away. So he Nuzzles down a little until his nose in brushing the leader's cheek, he just wants to kiss him so badly, wants to make this their fate, their purpose, but then he notices that Hongjoong´s eyes have fallen shut and his breathing has bone steady. He has fallen asleep.  
Damn, he thinks, he let it slip. He sighs and buries his nose back in Hongjoong´s hair before he lets sleep wash over him, lets it take the doubt and the frustration away from him as he falls into a world of dream where fate has him right where he wants to be most.

When they meet the others the next morning, each and every one of them makes a remark about how Hongjoong looks better than the day before and if Seonghwa feels a swelling of pride in his chest because Hongjoong looks better because of him, who could hold it against him…

He tries to come up with a new plan after that, he really does, but before he can, a new possibility offers itself to him.

It's during movie night, they´re watching finding Nemo, which Jungho had suggested and since half of them had never seen it, it was quickly decided because you've never seen it? Holy heck that's close to a federal crime! as Wooyoung had exclaimed when he found out that Mingi, Yunho and San had never seen it before.  
They have 3 sofas in the living room, 2 small ones that could each fit 2 people and one larger one that was big enough for 4 people.  
San and Yeosang had taken one of the small sofas, Wooyoung curled up in their laps like a cat, his head on Yeosang´s legs. Yeosang had one hand in the younger boys hair, casually playing with the soft strands, the other hand was intertwined with Sans, rested on Wooyoung´s hip. It makes Seonghwa´s heart warm up to see them like this. It had pained him to see them suffer before they had finally figured out their feelings for each other. Especially San looks so much better now, He probably had the hardest time figuring out his feelings for the other boys, having to understand his asexuality first. It had been a rough time for all of them.  
Seeing them like this now, Wooyoung close to falling asleep, San and Yeosang smiling contend smiles, was straight up therapeutic.  
On the large couch, Jungho was curled up in one corner, his knees pulled up to his chest and his chin rested on top of them, His entire attention was on the movie and he looked like a marching band could practice next to him and he wouldn't notice. Next to him was Mingi, who was looking up something on his phone while on the other end of the couch, Yunho was sitting with his legs crossed, a sketchbook in his lap, doodling something to keep his hands busy while also keeping up with the movie.  
Seonghwa himself was seated next to Hongjoong on the other small couch, a lucky coincidence. Joong is cuddled up in a blanket, hugging a pillow to his chest. Seonghwa´s pillow. He had brought it for himself to steady his head, but as soon as he had thrown it onto the sofa, The leader has snatched it with a cheeky grin and not in a million years could he be mad at him for stealing his pillow, he just looked too cute.  
It doesn't take longer than a few minutes into the movie for Seonghwa to feel itchy, itchy to just do something. So he rests his arm on the back of the sofa, behind Hongjoong´s back, inviting the boy to curl against his side, should he decide he wants to.  
Yeah, he does.  
Hongjoong immediately takes the opportunity to lean against Seonghwa, resting his head against the older´s chest. Seonghwa smiles down at him, doping his arm from the armrest over Hongjoong´s body, pulling him even closer.  
He loses himself somewhere between Hongjoong and the movie at some point, slipping in this weird space where time is relative and consciousness is overrated, the one where you lose yourself between a feeling and reality, where you're not quite aware of where you are and what's happening around you, just that you are. He feels Hongjoong´s warmth and weight against him and its grounding and godly and he's sure that if it wasn't for the fact that there were such things as gravity (completely overrated in his opinion) he'd probably be floating away with how light he felt with Hongjoong pressed against him like this.  
It wasn't until the credits rolled over the screen when he snaps back into reality. He looks around, Everyone is fast asleep. Jungho is curled up in his corner like a cat, face hidden against his knees, Ming's head had fallen back against the headrest, Yunho, leaning against his shoulder, the sketchbook still open but now on the small table. It is too dark to really recognise the sketch, but Seonghwa can recognise 8 small figures on it, which makes him smile.  
On the other couch, Wooyoung has turned around, now facing away from the TV, his face hidden in Yeosang´s shirt. San is leaning against Yeosang´s shoulder, one hand still holding Yeosang´s, the other placed on Wooyoung´s thigh. Yeosang´s head rested on top of Sans, his nose slightly nuzzled into the dancer's hair.  
Against his chest, he feels Hongjoong move, so apparently, he was awake too. He looks down and sees Hongjoong looking up at him. He smiles at the boy he adores so much. Hongjoong smiles back and Seonghwa´s hear jumps in his chest. This is it, he thinks, this is the moment he had hoped for. He can´t quite grasp that this is real, but Hongjoong is here and looking at him like that and he thinks damn he just has to kiss him.  
He wants to lean down, but before he can do so, Hongjoong sits up, looks around, huffs out a breath. Seonghwa can't help but feel disappointed, another chance he's missed.  
"Look at them" Hongjoong say, a fond smile on his lips.  
"We should get them to bed or they'll all have sore necks tomorrow"  
Seonghwa agrees and helps carry the members to their beds, but he hardly talks to Hongjoong while doing it, feeling too disappointed in himself for letting another chance go to have much conversation.  
For the next 3 days, he tries to get them onto a good situation again, failing miserably because he has horrible luck.

Then, things change.  
Things change big time  
Seonghwa feels horrible.

They are all sitting in the living room, a crying Jongho in Yeosang´s arms.  
"And the- And then he just- he just k- kissed me" he hiccups through his tears.  
"It felt horrible. I just- I wasn't ready and- and he didn't ask and when I tried to pull away he pulled me back in and- and he only stopped when he realised – I was- I was crying"  
He shakes violently and buries his face deeper against Yeosang´s shoulder.  
Jongho is fine afterwards, two days of cuddle sessions with all of the members (even though its mostly Yeosang, Yunho and Hongjoong) and he goes back to his giddy self.  
But for Seonghwa, the incident has changed many things.  
He is suddenly painfully aware of how he had almost kissed Hongjoong without making sure that Hongjoong was actually on board and OK with it.  
Twice.  
Hongjoong had never even shown any signs that he felt anything above friendship for him…  
Over the next few days, they establish an "ask to touch" policy, mostly because they want to make Jongho feel safe, but they all do it for everyone so Jongho won't be singled out by this.  
Its a change, sure, but its a good one. Not only is touching now a lot less scary and unpredictable because the talk about it, but its also much easier to get physical attention, because they just ask for what they want without any shame because now people can actually say no, so it's not just guessing the boundaries any more and year, that's definitely good.  
For Seonghwa it helps get over his fear of overstepping Hongjoong´s limits. They cuddle so much now, almost every time they are close enough to do so, one of them will ask "cuddle me?" and every time the other would agree.  
And yes, it makes Seonghwa feel better because even he notices how Hongjoong seeks his physical attention a lot more than the others. He just hopes he does it for the same reason as himself…

A little over a week after the Jongho incident, they meet with their choreographer to work out a new Choreo for the new song that Hongjoong wrote. The song is about the internal struggle of wanting to belong. They decide to do a Choreo where they dance in a way that it builds up the group from pieces, slowly joining the members together, ending with Hongjoong joining the group last by running towards them and jumping in Seonghwa´s arms (due to them having the strongest bond).  
The whiteboard is full and the members are happy with their work, but Hongjoong seems uneasy.  
"What's wrong?" Seonghwa confronts him when they leave the meeting room  
"I'm just a little nervous about the Choreography. What if I hurt you with the jump?" Hongjoong seems honestly worried about it, but honestly, Seonghwa is just relieved that its something that seems so solvable  
"Oh don't worry! It'll be fine. We can go and practice it if it makes you feel safer"  
And so they do after Seonghwa convinced Hongjoong that it doesn't bother him and that he'd be just as happy with getting a hold of it before the group practice.  
"OK, so how do we do this?" Hongjoong asks.  
"I say we use one of those big blue cushions so it won't be dangerous if we tip over"  
So they do, they get the surprisingly heavy cushion to the wall so Hongjoong will have enough space to gather speed.  
"Can I lift you up beforehand, so I know what to expect?" Seonghwa asks once everything is ready  
Hongjoong nods and walks to stand in front of Seonghwa.  
"I'll wrap my arms around your waist, you put yours around my shoulders and your legs around my waist?" Seonghwa asks and Hongjoong agrees.  
He rests his arms around the older´s shoulders  
"On the count of three?" he asks, Seonghwa nods.  
"1, 2, 3"  
Seonghwa grabs Hongjoong´s waist and lifts at the same time as Hongjoong´s jumps up slightly and pulls him against him. Hongjoong let out a high pitched sequel and clings to Seonghwa, warping his arm and legs tightly around the older boy.  
"Seonghwa!" he almost sequels, squirming under Seonghwa´s hands that are tightly garbing Hongjoong´s waist.  
"That tickles please -ah! - take your hand off p- please!"  
Seonghwa cracks a smile and teasingly squeezes Hongjoong´s waist.  
"Seonghwa please!"  
"Alright, alright"  
He wraps his arms around the leader's waist and immediately feels the tension slip out of the younger boys body.  
"You're so light" Seonghwa notices.  
"Well, I´m not really tall and I don't eat much"  
"I know, still, you feel so fragile, like I´m gonna break you if I squeeze to hard" he trails off a little at the end of the sentence, his eyes trailing over the boy's soft face. Hongjoong has a soft smile on his lips that spreads over to his eyes, making them shine in such a beautiful way. His pupils were blown wide, almost swallowing the entirety of the brown with its black.  
"You couldn't break me, not you," Hongjoong says, the smile very audible through his words.  
He jumps down, out of Seonghwa´s arm.  
"You think you can hold me?" he asks, almost teasing.  
Seonghwa rolls his eyes and smirks.  
"Just start with little speed, well work up to full speed as we go"  
"If you drop me…."  
"I won't drop you Joong!"  
"But if you do-"  
"Just shut up and get it going!"  
They burst into giggles and it actually takes some time for them o catch their breath again.  
But when they do, Hongjoong takes two steps back.  
"Ready?" he asks  
"On the count of 3?"  
"OK"  
Seonghwa counts to 3 and Hongjoong jumps into his arms from where he is standing. Seonghwa catches Hongjoong with ease, wrapping his arms around Hongjoong´s slender waist. Hongjoong´s legs wrap around his hips, a little too low, and his arms around his neck with a little too much force, but it doesn't matter.  
Seonghwa giggles a little at the imperfect catch, he reaches down, grabbing Hongjoong below his thighs and lifting him to the proper height. Hongjoong sequels again.  
"Don t do that! Tickles!" He jumps out of Seonghwa´s hold with a little too much impact, stumbling backwards, but Seonghwa catches his wrist and keeps him up straight.  
"Try that again? Jump a little higher this time" he lets go of the leader.  
They return to their original positions, Hongjoong a few feet further back than before.  
Again, they count to 3 and Hongjoong runs a few steps and jumps against Seonghwa, this time catching a better height. The impact of the jump is higher of cause and Seonghwa makes the mental note to contradict the force so he won't fall back when they would go up to higher speed.  
They try again a few times, each round with a little more speed, only toppling over twice and giggling it off.  
When they finally try the full speed for the first time, it has already gone pitch dark outside. They hadn't bothered to turn on the Light, a dim light is coming from the hallway and the lights of the city through the window, illuminating the room just enough. Somewhere in between, they had turned on the music, the soft tunes of First love by BTS playing in the background. They have gotten tired but refused to stop before they managed to do it full speed.  
They count to three, the Hongjoong runs, jumps and lands securely in the older´s arm.  
They are both breathing heavy, panting almost, but smiling, happy to finally have gotten it right.  
Hongjoong tips his head forward, leaning his forehead against Seonghwa´s. And Suddenly, Seonghwa is painfully aware of how close they are, their breaths mingling together as their lips are only inches apart. Hongjoong´s eyes are closed, a smile on his face.  
He´s stunning, Seonghwa can't help but think.  
Then, Hongjoong´s eyes snap open and everything around them seems to disappear when Seonghwa is met with the raw intensity in Hongjoong´s gaze. His pupils are blown wide, the black completely swallowing the brown, especially in the dim light, and it looks mesmerizing.  
This is it, he thinks, this is how I´m gonna die, cause of death, Kim Hongjoong.  
He feels Hongjoong´s breath come out shakily against his lips and wow, this is real. They´re so close. Seonghwa´s heart is beating fast and unsteady in his chest and he thinks the other boy must feel it, but when he´s looking at him like this, he couldn't care less.  
Then, Hongjoong leans down the slightest bit, nuzzling his nose against Seonghwa´s, causing his entire body to jolt and his breath to hatch.  
He opens his eyes again, when has he close them?, and his eyes immediately meet Hongjoongs.  
“Joong” he breaths, his voice a lot less steady than he had hoped.  
A few heartbeats nothing happen, just their breathing audible, then

“Can I kiss you?”  
It takes a few second for Seonghwa to register that the words had come out of his own mouth.  
Hongjoong stops breathing.  
Then, he nods.  
This is real, this can't be real, he thinks as he tilts his head, watches as Hongjoong´s eyes fall shut and then-  
The door bursts open  
“Oh, there you are! We´ve been looking for you all over! OH, were you practising?”  
Its Jongho, who apparently has no idea what he just walked in on.  
Hongjoong lets out a frustrated whine and jumps down from Seonghwa´s arms. He storms past a very confused Jongho who looks after him and then to Seonghwa.  
“What´s gotten into him?” Jongho asks.  
Seonghwa just sighs and hurries our as well, leaving Jongho behind.  
The short walk home is silent except for Jongho who keeps asking what has happened.  
The following days, there is a horrible tension between them and they both know what would happen, had they gotten a chance to be alone for longer than a few seconds, but the universe fucking hates them and they don't get to be alone at all. So, instead of keeping up the touchiness, they go over to avoid any sort of physical contact, not wanting to be tempted into anything that they can´t have.  
The practice is horrible, they mess up the dance move more than good, being reminded what had happened every time Hongjoong sets to run and losing his tempo midway. Their trainer is terribly annoyed with them and keeps them in for extra hours.  
It´s horrible and Seonghwa can´t sleep at night with how his heart is aching and his mind is restless and full of Hongjoong.  
The others notice, of course, but when they confront Seonghwa about it, he shakes them off, nothing, it's all fine, I´m fine, don´t I look fine to you, and the others understand that he wants to be left alone with this.

Two weeks after the almost kiss, they have a scheduled radio interview about their upcoming shows.  
They are sitting in the small radio studio, which is in fact so small, that they are more cuddling than sitting. Hongjoong presses against his side and it´s torturous. They had avoided being so close for quite some time and yet here they were.  
Hongjoong is talking about producing the newest Song and teasing about a possible release date in his broken English that Seonghwa doesn't understand, So instead of listening, he is looking at Hongjoong.  
Its nothing new to him that Hongjoong is extraordinarily beautiful, but its moments like this where it hits him with the force of suns and stars.  
His lips are push and pink, his eyes shine and Seonghwa is suddenly hit by just how in love he is.  
Hongjoong finishes his monologue and the host asks a question to San, yet Seonghwa continues to stare. When Hongjoong catches his gaze, he sees the warmth in his eyes that he's been missing over the time they kept their distance and Seonghwa realizes, even though the hurt, Hongjoong is well worth it.  
Fuck it.  
He settles his hand on Hongjoong´s thigh.  
For a few heartbeats, time seems to stop. Hongjoong looks at the hand, then at Seonghwa, who is still staring at the younger, then back at the hand. Then, He settles his hand on top of Seonghwa´s.  
And suddenly, time kickstarts again and even though he knows its absolute nonsense, Seonghwa can't help but think this is their turning point, that in the few moments where time had stopped, the universe had shifted beneath them. Suddenly, it feels so possible, so painfully easy, like all they had to do was believe.  
Seonghwa turns his hand below Hongjoong´s and intertwines their fingers. A million things are running through his mind as Hongjoong squeezes his hand and all of them seem to involve Hongjoong.  
No.  
Actually its just one.  
I love you.  
And it is so obvious and simple and he wants to shout it out loud, but fuck their on live radio and he has to fight down the urge to just grab Hongjoong´s face and kiss him until neither of them can breathe and until the world fades away.  
But he can't, so bites his lip and holds Hongjoong´s hand just a little tighter.

It is the very same evening, well, its night already, that Seonghwa finds himself unable to sleep. His mind is filled with Hongjoong, as it has been for months, hell, years even, but tonight it's so all-consuming that he can't help but toss in his bed as the desire is clawing at his insides and threatening to suffocate him.  
He finds himself on the balcony that night, the cool air filling up his lungs and the slight sting the cold brings to his skin is numbing the pain within. And finally, after weeks of drowning, he allows himself to breathe. This might not be what he wants, but it is what he needs, a break from the burning of desire and the itching in his bones.  
He looks up at the sky, the stars that are half-covered by soft steamy clouds, at the moon, that has almost faded to a new moon and the soft light it is radiating, at the endless black of space and for a few heartbeats, he loses himself in the endless sense of freedom the night sky always makes him feel.  
This, he thinks, is peace.  
He is interrupted in his thoughts by the sound of the balcony door sliding open behind him.  
He doesn't need to turn around to see who the hell could be awake at this time before he even could, he hears a small voice behind him  
“Seonghwa”  
It is Hongjoong, because of cause it, he sounds surprised and tired, which, honestly, is reasonable.  
“Hey” He answers as Hongjoong steps to his side.  
“What are you doing here?” Hongjoong asks  
“Couldn't sleep, too much on my mind”  
“Me too”  
A break, then  
“What is it that is on your mind?”  
Seonghwa´s heart suddenly beats at double speed. He knows he doesn't have to be nervous about this, but he is.  
Never the less, He answers  
“You. Its always just been you on my mind”  
He hears Hongjoong´s breath hitch.  
“For me, it's you, too. Only you.”  
And it's so ridiculously easy that Seonghwa doesn't know if he wants to laugh or cry or maybe both at the same time.  
Instead, he reaches out and takes Hongjoong´s small hand into his.  
They might not be saying it, but everything between them is screaming I love you, I love you and yet again, Seonghwa is struck with the need to kiss the small man in front of him.  
He turns to face Hongjoong, brings his free hand up to his face. He brushes his fingers over the soft skin until he has the other full attention, then, he cups his cheek in his palm. Even in the dark, he can see Hongjoong´s pupils blow wide. He leans in, watches as Hongjoong´s eyes fall shut and lets his own do the same, he feels the others breath on his lips, feels their noses brush and then his lips are ghosting over Hongjoong´s. It's glorious, it is, and its finally happening and he wants to dive in, to finally, finally properly kiss Hongjoong when-  
a pained cry followed by a loud noise of metal spreading over the floor jolts them apart. It is coming from their kitchen and of cause it doesn't take a second thought for them to run inside to find Mingi in the floor, one hand wrapped around his wrist and a knife on the floor next to him. They immediately rush over to him and help him wrap up the cut on the back of his wrist. The other members come in one by one too, probably startled and woken by the noise and it all just gets too much, too frustrating for Seonghwa to sit next to Hongjoong like this, so after making sure that Mingi is fine and taken care off, he bolts to his room.  
He´s still awake when Yunho, his room-mate, comes inside, but he pretends to be asleep to avoid any possible conversation.

He doesn't want to avoid Hongjoong after that, it just kind of happens. They are both on a tight schedule of vocal training, working out, interviews and coaching and when they come home, they are never alone.  
It's painful, but Seonghwa is forced to realize, a secret relationship would have never worked out. Hiding from members and company was absolutely impossible. Sure, Hiding from the fans was easy, more than enough people managed to do that, but how were they supposed to hide when they shared their life with 6 other people…  
So he plays his part, pretends as nothing had ever happened, sure, it hurts, but what can he do?  
Their life carried on as normal, maybe apart from the hurt he felt and that was visible in Hongjoong´s eyes. They cuddled during movies, held hands to comfort each other, but never went past that mark for weeks.  
A little over a month has passed since that night when Seonghwa finds himself in the booth of some bar their company had booked for that night for some party they and some other bands were having shut of from the public in a stupid prince costume because someone thought it would be a good idea to make it a costume party. It's not the worst, he had been having fun until now, the loud music had distracted him from the pain in his heart and the fog in his brain the cheap booze had caused had made it so easy to pretend like he was alright. But now he has sobered up enough to feel his headache and the frustration that is pooling low in his stomachache as he watches the others dance and be happy while he is sulking in this stupid booth next to Yunho who is sketching something in his sketchbook.  
Seonghwa lets his head drop to the table with a loud thud.  
He doesn't know how long he's stayed like this, but he gets thrown back into reality when someone sits down next to him and puts a hand on his back. When he looks up, he sees San next to him.  
“Seonghwa, this is honestly just stupid. You cant pretend like you don't feel something for him. I don't know what happened between you two, but having you two suffer like this? You can't do that to both of you.”  
That's it, he thinks. It's like a dam broke because he feels tears burning in his eyes and as San pulls him against his shoulder, he lets go. He lets out the tears along with all the hurt and frustration that's been pooling inside him for the past few weeks. San just holds him, strokes his back as the oldest sobs into his shoulder.  
“You can still make it right, Seonghwa. Make it right so you both can be happy” San whispers into his hair.  
“Promise me, Seonghwa, please let yourself be happy. We all support you, OK?”  
Seonghwa nods into San´s shoulder. He allows himself to calm down against Sans shoulder before carefully sitting up again, his eyes still red, but at least the tears stopped coming. San is smiling at him.  
“We´re always here for you, Hyung.”  
He pats his back one more time  
“I need to go look after my boys, they're too drunk for their own good.” with that, he leaves Seonghwa alone. Seonghwa follows him with his gaze as he walks over to where Wooyoung is dancing with a very drunk Yeosang, both having trouble standing straight. Then, his gaze is drawn to someone else.  
Hongjoong, because of cause its Hongjoong. He is dancing with a little too much hip action and his arms over his head alone in the middle of the dance-floor. He´s wearing a pirate costume that has a big rip across the stomachache and basically makes it a crop top and it looks absolutely stunning on him. He´s mesmerizing to watch, the way his body moves easily, his eyes closed, his lips slightly open in a contend smile.  
And suddenly, Seonghwa knows what he has to do. He stands up, his legs moving almost on their own towards Hongjoong. The loud bass seems to disappear with how loud his heart is beating in his chest. He can´t bring himself to care. The lights are flashing in his face, the ground seems to be spinning but all he sees is Hongjoong and he doesn't even quite notice how he´s moving closer and closer until he´s right in front of him.  
Now, that he´s face to face with Hongjoong, he can´t help but wonder how the hell has he been able to resist this beautiful boy for so long.  
He raises one hand and carefully rests it on Hongjoong´s shoulder. The leader's eyes snap open.  
Suddenly, a thought strikes Seonghwa´s mind. He takes the crown off his own head and places it on Hongjoong´s.  
“You´re a pirate king now” he giggles as he feels his heart soaring in his chest.  
Hongjoong giggles too and it's so ridiculously beautiful that Seonghwa can´t take it any more.  
Hongjoong opens his mouth to answer something but-  
Seonghwa grabs his cheeks, leans down and then-  
Their lips meet and finally, it feels right and it's glorious and for a few seconds, everything around them disappears.  
Seonghwa´s lips glide smoothly against Hongjoong´s and its glorious and Hongjoong tastes like fruit and alcohol and its just perfect.  
Slowly, the music fades back into their reality and just as slowly, they pull apart.  
They´re both crying, Seonghwa realizes, but they´re laughing and it's beautiful and oh so perfect and he just can't help but-  
“I love you” he breaths, barely audible over the loud music, but Hongjoong understands and he pulls him in for another kiss.  
They hardly realize the cheering that erupts around them as they kiss and kiss and drown in the feeling of each other.  
Later that evening, they find themselves in a booth, cuddled together, whispering soft declarations of love as they promise each other to never let this, let them, go.


End file.
